Thursday, August 4, 2011

Hell's Broke Loose in Texas

Well it’s been a while since I plopped my butt down in front of this old computer and by old, I’m pretty sure this one was one of Bill Gate’s prototypes he used in his garage. Anyway, the main reason I haven’t been working my sweaty little fingers over the keyboard, and the key-word here is sweaty, is because it’s been TOO DAMN HOT. It’s too hot to trot and too hot to type.


You know when the weather people say, “Today’s high is 101 but it feels like it’s a 108?” What the heck is that about? And what good is that anyway? Do they want to make us feel worse or hotter than we’re already feeling? Like 101 wasn’t hot enough? Give me a break…or at least give me a cold beer.

I’m sure it’s cause that dip-stick weather man we have on our local TV station is bored and feeling a bit neglected since there aren’t any “wicked winds” blowing or it’s not “raining cats and dogs” so he likes to goose us with the heat index to feel more important. If this wasn’t the Bible belt, he could just say, “Ladies and Gentlemen: It’s hotter than Hell today,” and we’d have an idea of what he means. Hell can’t be any hotter than Texas.

 Then I got to thinking. I would like to see Dip-Stick Dan, the weather-guy slither on down to hell and give his weather report from there. Ever time he used that, “The temperature this afternoon is a fiery 532 degrees here in hell but it feels like a miserable, evil 666,” the devil would poke him in the backside with a pitchfork and put a shovel of brimstone down his pants. Now that would be a heat-index worth watching.

If I was lying on some Caribbean beach sipping a pina-colada, I couldn’t care less how hot it was, but I’m not. I’m landlocked in Big Thicket with an AC that is on its last breath and my sweat glands are the hardest working organ in my body.

Okay, the sweat is starting to run into the keyboard and I feel a cold margarita calling from the kitchen. Maybe I’ll just stand in front of the refrigerator with the door open while I drink and hope for brain freeze.

Stay cool and let’s dream of snowflakes, snow cones, snow men, and a long winter.