Ida Clare, I Confess

Dear Creative Chicks,

I read this blog post the other day on a blog I had never visited where the woman had a section called, Confession Friday.  Well, you can bet your pope ring, I was all over that.  I admit, she did some confessing and in my mind, I granted her absolution.  The truth is she really didn’t confess anything juicy.

Oh yeah, she was slovenly.  She procrastinated.  She was behind in meeting her goals.  She was over-worked and didn’t take care of herself as she should, bla-bla-bla.  Real gut wrenching confessions. 

It reminded me of one of those tricky questions they try to spring on you in a job interview, “What would you say is one of your negative characteristics?”  And you pop up with the old, “Well, sometimes I work so hard, I fall down and don’t remember to go home at night to my wife and children because I become so obsessed with a project.”  Like your potential employer can’t see through that one.

We can see through your veiled confessions that you really are just tooting the other end of your horn.  So how’s this for some true confessions:

I eat Miracle Whip on crackers.  A lot.
I cut out the size label in all my clothes.  I say it’s because they make my neck itch.
I’ve adjusted the scales in the bathroom to reflect the weight of my denial and my sleep number.
I hide my trashy romance novels in public by wrapping them in a faux King James Version book cover.  I live in fear that someone will ask me to read them a scripture.

See, that’s what I’m talking about.  They say confession is good for the soul.  I say it’s good for the blog.

Here’s one more:  I don’t know what day it is.

Hugs,

I Love Miracle Whip

Yesterday I started this blog and I gave ya’ll the recipe for Ida Clare’s Done Good Potato Salad.

Ya’ll write me back after you make it and tell me how your Ida Man! liked it.   We can’t control the Ida Man! in our lives, even when we try.  But most men will eat any thing that you serve to them while the television is on.

I know you’re gonna like it cause the recipe calls for MIRACLE WHIP.  Kraft, the maker of Miracle Whip has got this advertising campaign going on where celebrities take a stand on whether you love it or hate it.  

photo by Defekto

But before I get into a hot debate and have to explain why something called Miracle Whip kinda turns me on,  I might need to tell you just who’s little ole blog you’re visiting and how I came to be a local celebrity.

Well, obviously you know because you can read that my name is Ida Clare, but not too long ago I was given what I thought was a great idea.  Since I am crafty, brilliant, a great cook, not afraid to voice my humble opinion and really need to bring in a six-figure income to support my wicked ways, my friend told me I needed to be the Martha Stewart of Big Thicket.

Photo by Cleveland Leader 200

Sure enough, when I looked in the phone book, there wasn’t a Martha Stewart listed, so I decided that is just who I would become.  Unfortunately, Martha’s lawyers didn’t think much of my friends’ idea and threatened me with a restraining order. 

You know, Oprah has a sister now.  Why can’t I be Martha’s short voluptuous younger cousin?  She’s the one who’s been in prison, not me. 

Well, since I didn't have the money to get to Connecticut anyway, (hell if you could go around the world on two dollars, I couldn't get out of sight) I just told all my friends that I  was going to become a celebrity on my own.   

Note to self:  Don’t blab about meeting celebrities till you actually meet them.

 


Now about Miracle Whip.  It’s the best.  I love the taste. 

•    Great for a fold over sandwich on white bread when you’re starving and too lazy to cook. 

•    You can use it to get Double Bubble Chewing Gum out of your hair when you fall asleep with it in your mouth instead of sticking your wad on the bed post.  

•    You can slather it all over your hair and use it as a conditioner. 

•    Miracle Whip will remove tar and feathers if a mob shows up in your front yard set on revenge.  

I bet Martha doesn’t even know about that.

Leave a Miracle Whip comment.  You know you have one.