Ida Clare, I’m a candidate for Pope

Pope Benedict announces that he will ride off into the sunset.

Pope Benedict XVI has just made the announcement that he is resigning due to health issues.   I am pretty sure it’s because he is sick of the Catholic Church.  Since he is riding off into the sunset and I would like to live in Italy and have a group of sharp dressed yes-men who bathe in holy water kissing my ring, I think I will apply for the job.

What happened to the other half of Micky D's Arch?

If there is anybody more capable of telling other people how to live their lives than me, I don’t want to meet them.  Abiding by the rules made up by a bunch of old white guys who meet secreted behind closed doors wearing pointy hats may be why I would have never been a good Catholic.

The next Pope will be selected by the “College of Cardinals,” which means I would have to make a trip to St. Louis.  I didn’t know the church was so into baseball, but whatever, I can drink beer and spit with the best of them.  At least I will get to see the world’s largest golden arch, America’s Gateway to McDonalds.

Mostly I want to get to the Vatican so I can be the first woman pope.  Would that make me the Pope-ette or would I be called Madam Pope?  The Catholic Church has a dim view of women, women’s rights, and how much power a woman can have; maybe that’s why the name of the main branch of Catholic women is N-U-N as in n-o-n-e.  If history provides any clue, they might name me witch and burn me at the stake, but I will win them over after they get to know me and I put a spell on them.

In the Catholic tradition, when a Pope is elected, they are given a new name, a Roman numeral and the keys to the Pope Mobile.  I am sure they will want to re-name me Pope Ida-Mary-Clare XOX, so I can bestow upon the world hugs and kisses whenever I sign my name.  I just need to make sure the Pope Mobile has air conditioning and a lighted make-up mirror.

Kiss Hug Kiss
Wannabe Madam Pope-ette Ida-Mary-Clare XOX

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